Drafts

When I was posting, I saw some drafts.

Now these drafts have been posted.

Happy Christmas.

I get it, I really get it. The point of me being here, that is.
Connections. No matter how you look at it, thats all life is about. All religions/cultures/people point in this direction: Finding and making connections.
When I think of these connections, I believe they are more than bringing all your imperfections forward.
Because who really wants to deal with your every issue? I know I don't.
It's about being you in the moment, and embracing the other person you're communicating with. ACTUALLY talking, and listening.

Connecting on whatever level you can. Not placing unrealistic expectations or anything in return, just being there

Finally, I get it.

This year is my first Christmas without blood relatives, and I'm excited to share it with friends...people that I share these moments with and love, because family really is what you make.

093jd

I am bruised, and I hate admitting it. Hate saying that a little of me is soft, or unsure.

But I am. I don;t have a 5 year plan. I hardly have a 5 day plan. I don;t think we have to. Being alive is taking things as they come, not planning each momentous occasion. Technically, I'm a grown up but I have no idea what I want to be.

I'm lost. And I feel like I'm the only one big enough to admit I have no fucking clue whats happening next. I'm in it for the ride because control is not realistic.

All I know? I like learning, and i'll continue to learn.

Hate

I'm terrified of falling in love, because I know it won't work. You hear all these stories about true love and happily ever after, but its all bullshit. Because even if people stay together, its never happily ever after. Its just after. Sooner or later, someone will break, emotions will change, and then you're eighty, dying and cursing your spouse.

It never works. He'll always leave, one way or another. And its always the woman who loses. Its always her left broken hearted while he walks away indifferenty, looking for the next unsuspecting girl with a tight shirt.

I hate being so dependent on assholes who only think with their dicks. I hate being a girl. We always lose. Always.

My Selfish Lament

I wish I were prettier. Thinner. More out-going. Funnier. Smarter. More individual. More interesting. I wish people would stop by my room and ask for me, for once. I wish my teeth were straight, that my face wasn't so round and forgettable. I wish I weren't boring.

In short, I wish I were her. But I'm not, so all I can ever hope to be is the wallflower, the shadow

Placed as a draft, and not finished.

Soul Sucker

You know what? I hate you. I've never wished somebody ill, until I met you: a poor excuse for a living thing.
You will never have true friends, because all the people you attract are just as selfish and condescending as you. Those who are worthwhile will never stick around long, they see your need to leech onto any genuine characteristic you can find.
You're not capable of truth because you're such a void, adapting to whichever self-help book your "comrades" identify with.

Yesterday you were a punk, today you're indie, in an hour you're a free-spirit, and tomorrow you'll be post modern.
It doesn't make you more aware of people you share this world with..it just makes you a desperate follower--longing for anything genuine to suck on.

Afternoon, Green Friday.

truth.Truth.TRUTH.

I was talking to a friend the other day, near us was a pen. We spoke of current issues, each having an opinion and sharing it with the other. Even debating the color of my shirt, which I thought was red; my friend said orange. Walking away from the conversation with separate experiences, and opinions.
What was truth? Was I wrong in the color I saw, or was my friend?

Is it possible neither of us were right, and the only truth or right opinion was that of the pen?

To Be or Not to Be Subjective?

This blog is regarding the first comment concerning the last blog/poem titled “I Once Thought” I was going to put this in the comment section but decided to make a blog instead, because of the excessive length.

The Comment stated:
“Thanks for sharing. It’s an open blog, anybody can delete this post.
Honesty is subjective, the sooner you realize that the easier life will be.
I’m just listening out for the honesty in others.” -Anonymous


Sorry if it is too long but I needed to say something. But, please read/respond. Keep in mind I take all of this with humility and realize that my view does not mean much in the grand scheme of things. I must take this with the attitude that I am wrong. I do not intend frustration or anger.

“Honesty is subjective” (in your view) but the fact is that pointing out that something is “subjective” is also a cop-out to avoid explaining yourself when you do not believe the way the author views things. Going along with your own view IS being subjective. The point is that we use the word "subjective" too often than fully saying what we believe to be True. I do this too often as well.

Subjective is defined as the following: based on influence by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions. Looking at the definition compared to the statement "Honesty is subjective" it is good to note that your thoughts were brought on by feelings, tastes, or opinions.

To me, Honesty is telling the Truth and admitting the Truth to yourself in order to move forward into a better understanding. What does that better understanding look like? I don’t know. That will be different for everyone. I would like to know what Honesty means to you (the writer of the comment above) because putting the word “subjective” after Honesty is a cop-out to not explain yourself. (please respond explain what honesty means to you personally). After all, being “subjective” is based on emotions and/or experiences and nothing True. I do realize that me saying “True” we can easily say that “True is subjective.” But we must not just leave it there, we must explain our thoughts, otherwise there is no understanding.

After “Honesty is subjective” you then write “the sooner you realize this the easier life will be.” The first thing I would have to say is life is not meant to be easy. In fact, life is an abyss not knowing what you will fall into (I know that there is a sense of excitement in not knowing where you are falling; but, not knowing is half the battle). My understanding (notice I say my) of life is that it is meant to be difficult and to be challenged--thank you author of the previous blog titled “I Once Thought” for the challenge. If we go through life without a care in the world; for one, it is no life because of the lack real care ; and two, a life that is easy will have a self-centered focus because it is about taking the easy way. The heart of the matter is that we were made for relationships, however corny that may seem. Even though relationships are key in life, the area of interest is not having fun on your own accord with people that are also the same way. The point is to be there for help, conversation, love, and be challenged by different people. Try to be with people who are different from you (easier said than done). Lastly, I would say the main area a person needs to explore is to be genuine, authentic with other people, knowing you are not seeking acceptance but rather your own person regardless of previous thoughts and conclusions.


The last part about Honesty and Truth is the difficult part of admitting our own faults. That is why being Honest with yourself is the first step. Now, being Honest with yourself does not mean to leave it there. Challenge yourself to explore what honesty truly means. I say this regarding your last line that “I’m just listening out for the honesty in others.” My point is that looking for Honesty in someone is difficult and is needed (I will not deny that) but, we must not also deny the other areas in ones life. (I know you didn’t specifically say that but I had to mention it)


*****To the author of the Blog/Poem titled “I Once Thought” I thoroughly enjoyed it. The poem was truthfully honest and it hurt (which is good). You will find the Truth when the Truth hurts. It is just hard to find it and suffer the pain bravely.



Side note: Let it be known that this “Blog” is my first post on this site and this “Blog” will be my last post on this site.

I once thought.

I once thought that this blog was a great idea.

I once thought that keeping it inside you was a great idea.

I once thought that going with the flow is supposed to be real.

That was I thought I once had.

Do you think you can rant and rave and do whatever suits you?

Wow, life. Life is meant to be challenged.

I heard of people that try to be honest and want to be fully honest to others, but the problem with that is that they need to be honest with themselves.

I once thought that being challenged was bad.

I once thought that sharing feelings to others was a mistake.

I once thought that hiding in fear was a life for me.

Now I am challenged.

Now I share.

Now I don't fear.

And honestly being completely upfront about this website.

It's bullshit.

Bullshit of no challenges.

I have written on here a while ago and just realized that life is not meant to be lived this way.

The funny thing is, is that whoever started this blog will probably delete this post.

For those of you who read it and are challenged, thank you.

Where'd imagination go?

I am begining to grow out of the thing I am known for.

I still pretend to enjoy it and be the know all of it's nature. But I just don't like it anymore, afraid that knowledge is what defines me as me.

And another: Bars are getting on my nerves, and I grow tired of that scene. Unfortunately, the social place everyone revloves around is the bar..alcohol.
I don't want to constantly have the answer of "Oh, I was at the bar with some friends" to What I did that weekend.

Where have our IMAGINATIONS gone? It seems all we can settle on doing anymore is the adult alcohol getting.
The people I'm around are far more interesting then those I were...but we lack the imagination to think outside the partying box.

I hope I'm not the only one of this thought..

A Challenge.

I challenge you to express yourself..
Tell me about you, the REAL you.

It can be through words, music, art, pictures, video, color, people, by whatever creative means YOU can think of.

It seems as if there is far too much to bring us down- so I challenge all of you to take this message seriously and create something of YOU.

And feel free to post it in this post/comment/whatever.

It's yours..Now run with it.

Ennui

Sometimes, I honestly wish I would get into a car accident or fall into a coma or have something happen to me. Then, in the hospital, I would find out how many people would actually care. Is that horrible of me? My life is so monotonous. Every day, the same routine. I see the same people, do the same things. On days off, I'm stuck doing nothing. My computer is my only link to the outside world. College can't come fast enough. I feel so suffocated and suppressed.

I feel all tense inside, like I waiting for an explosion. I think injury would be that explosion. Something drastic that would make my life more interesting, so that I wouldn't be crying for no reason. I feel like I'm never going to be able to do what I want to do. I'm going to be trapped inside this cage for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to express myself, or really experience anything. The thought just makes me want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone, please help. Everyday I get more irritable and more depressed. I don't want to contemplate suicide or injury. I don't want to hurt the people around me, but I feel like I'm being left behind in their dust. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I can't really do anything special. Everyone else has their dreams and talents. I feel like I'm being cheated. I want to see the sun rise over the ocean, instead of set. I want to eat Japanese food in Japan, and walk inside the Coloseum, and visit the country of my origins. I want to learn how to paint, and master photography, and learn Russian and Japanese and German and Italian. I want to visit Poland, a country with one of the saddest histories in the whole world. I want to see a live ballet performance, and take my mother to a Chinese opera. I want to prove to everyone who ever looked down on me that I can acheive great things and have happiness without their approval.

God, I just want to live. I want to stop struggling with my faith and just be happy for once in my life. I want to see my sister and niece again. I want my father to come back from the dead and hug me and tell me he's proud of me.

So would my death or injury cure me of my ennui? I think so. And that's a scary thought. Someone, please help me. Help me before I do something drastic.

Evolution of the sexes?

The fact that Valentine's Day is coming up, brings all the couples around me to attention. I've noticed there are a lot of ugly men with beautiful women. Instead of wanting to give the guy a high-five, I find myself confounded by the situation at hand. WHY does there seem to be a boom of beautiful women and a shortage of male equals?

Is it an evolution of the sexes...or are women suspiciously better at hiding flaws?

Am I the only one that thinks this?

posting and cycles

I love coming onto this site and am excited to see each new post. Although I don't know who each poster is, it comforting to know they share the same universal space and are willing to take a few minutes out of their day to come here.
And be honest.
I am beginning to see certain cycles my life has taken. Some scare me while others I feel like embracing. Not because they're good- but because they teach the same lesson I should have learned 4 years ago. That seems contradictory but it's oddly comforting, knowing that by moving on that same chilling cycle will be behind me and life will come with new obstacles and entertainments.
The word cycle scares me. That word has been used negatively too many times, though comfort is still associated. Due to its unfortunate regularity.
Maybe my voice will be heard, but for now those that matter will still be there and trash will be emptied.

terminal hypocrisy

i went shopping today, and in front of me in the traffic queue was a Toyota Prius. the back of the car was plastered with bumper stickers promoting "Coexist", "Go Green," et cetera.
and my first thought? it wasn't, "good for you. support your causes!"
it wasn't, "way to drive eco-friendly."
it wasn't, "i respect your convictions."

it was, "you're a pretentious and overpaid snob."

i am a prime hypocrite, and it sucks.
i can't expect respect without first giving it.

to whomever you are, dude in the Prius--i'm sorry. i made a snap judgment, and a negative one at that. please forgive my small-mindedness. it's people like me who make people like you feel so much like crap. i'm sorry.

today is a day to practice BEFORE preaching.

a matter of pride

today was a good day.

i spent the entire day inside (which i don't like)
i spent all day sitting at a desk, working on one task that i completed five minutes before it needed to be finished (not fun)
i accomplished next to nothing all day (that's what comes from spending seven straight hours on one thing)
i had ugly hair, a disaster of an outfit, and was flustered when i arrived on campus tonight.
all of these things tend to send me into an anger spiral. i become irritable, unpleasant, and snarky...usually. yet at the moment i am not. why?

i had a conversation, albeit a short one, but an actual conversation with someone i don't know. they're in two of my classes. they were in my classes last semester. but i've never said a single word to this person. and yet there he was: standing in front of the building my class is in. we had a short conversation. those who know me will understand why this is such a big deal. i don't warm up to people easily. becoming friends with someone means trusting them, and i can't do that easily. talking to new people turns me into a nervous wreck. i tend to just shuffle about campus, i sit in class and rarely contribute to discussions. i keep to myself.

so it's fair to say that i'm feeling a bit proud of myself for stepping out of my hermit-crab shell.

today was a good day.

And now, a softer slightly brighter side.

This time of year seems to be bringing quite a few people down.
In light of that I feel like a happy, yet honest post is needed.

So, here I (anonymous, though I'm sure some know) will encourage..not for the sake of encouraging...but because I feel like there is so much out there to bring us down, without permission.

Right now, I hope that you're taking chances in life-- without regret.
Regret is a wretched emotion to deal with, and life really is far too short to even deal with it!
Reader, you are an amazing being...and not in the "I'm attempting to make you feel good sense"--you are. You're able to make decisions, see situations, have compassion, think abstractly...to the point of being dirty (JAM'ON!), love, not love, laugh, and use your thumbs.
I know. Monkey's can do that...but they also are REALLY hairy, and that's not kosher.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself and turning this into something completely unintelligible.

Point is, you're pretty cool--mainly because you're still reading this--and frankly, I would have grown tired after the Jamaican "JAM'ON" was uttered.

I do know something that made me feel vastly better, so I'll share it with you...You good lookin' piece of intelligence!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

nice people finishing.

I am always thought of as a nice person.

Really though, I secretly enjoy watching people get what's coming to them. I think that people who live in isolation deserve terrible lives, and those of us that don't should have temporary set backs.
So we may remember what a good life consists of: being open and accepting towards all people despite race,religion,orientation,etc.

Those isolated people deserve nothing more than a bland life filled with frustration.

Another honesty: I wrote this with a determined few people in mind.

If you're waiting to break out, here's your sign. Cut ties, and live free.

not again

i am capable of developing long-distance crushes.

this is bad, for the last time this happened, it ended painfully.

i tell myself to shut off the daydreams, but it never works.

the insomnia doesn't help, either.

Forbidden Love

I unintentionally get my hopes up every day. Every time we talk, every time he looks at me, I’m constantly hoping that when he sees her things will be different. That he will look at her and think of me and that she won’t fit in with his family and things won’t work out. But deep down I know that will never happen, he can never be mine. I subject myself to him and to his sweetness and touch, I do it on purpose, I can’t complain about it anymore. I could change my situation so easily. I just can’t stop hoping. I miss him when he’s away and I miss him when I’m near him because I can’t have all of him, I can’t show him how much he means to me. There’s so much more to me that he doesn’t even know…that I didn’t even know I had before I met him. Just the other night, my friend asked me what I like him better than, after I thought for a second, I said sleep. I like him more than I like to sleep. I would rather be in his arms than sleep any night of the week. That sounds corny, but it’s so true. He makes my soul happy and comfortable. But he's taken. I should talk myself out of loving him.

Cigarettes are little gateways to happiness.

I am a smoker. furthermore, I love smoking. I am aware of the 4,000 pluc chemicals i am putting into my body. I am aware of the significantly shorter lifespan I will most likely have. I am aware that it makes me look totally awesome. I am aware that it is not popular opinion.

One. I dont want to live past 75. anyone who has encountered and had to interact with someone over this age knows it is a hollow and empty lifestyle. you can cram a religion into there, most do, but its still very incomplete. i would rather die young than shit in my pants, have my grandchildren never call me, or find TV my only escape. people live too long anyway. a quater of a century is enough!!! if you cannot acomplish something in that time you have failed, no need to keep going.

two. cigarettes make you look cool, deal with it.

three. its my body and my decision. I have made the choice not to be corrupted by popluar opinion, telovision, or celebrety. which is worse; smoking a cigarette or knowing who is the latest star on television? if you answer the former you're an idiot. I dont care what is happening to house this season or who is fucking Brad Pitt and the moment and if i happen to smoke while being oblivious to useless information who cares?

finally, cigarettes rock! if they didnt, why do all of the best authors of our time smoke scrumptious

starvation?

Every time I look in the mirror, I think, "No one will ever want you because you're fat." Some days I substitute other words like, "weird," "ugly," "boring," "stupid," etc. However, those new adjectives are usually followed by "fat" anyway. 

I've been told I am "pretty," "hot," "gorgeous," "beautiful," what have you, but I've yet to believe it. Usually these people are people who love me and are therefore biased. Most of them are female. I've also been told by friends that so-and-so thinks I'm hot or is interested in me. This leads me to wonder, if that is the case, why the hell don't they tell me so themselves?

I feel like such a stereotypical girl for thinking about this. 

No Smoking

I know it's a filthy habit, and cancer runs in my family. ANY CANCER. But I'm beginning to enjoy the temporary high those papered leaves give off.
Plus, you DO look cool. Damned advertisements and cinema have taken their toll on me.

I am intelligent, and try to be healthy, but nicotine may become my friend soon.

Resentful? Not really.

I get a secret thrill when I see a recent picture of my ex-boyfriend and I notice he's starting to look like an old man. 

He recently sent me greetings through a mutual friend and I bluntly asked,  "Why?" Things did not end well between us. I don't believe he has the right to say hello to me. Does that make me bitter? No.

I heard through the same friend that he wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. Again, I asked "Why?" Why does he even care? 

 I can honestly say I don't spend even a single minute of my day-to-day living thinking of him and yet when I hear in passing that he says "hi," suddenly it's all I can think about. 

I saw a recent picture of him. I notice he's gained some weight and his hairline is starting to recede. I feel vindicated because he looks past 30 and I do not.  

Well. I could have told you that.

One of my friends called me this morning. We hadn't talked for a while, so it was good to talk with my friend and do some catching up.
But as I talked with my friend, I realized how much of an inferiority complex I feel within myself whenever I talk to this friend. Like, in a huge way.
My friend mentioned at one point, "You sound nervous."
Well, yeah. Talking to you makes me hate myself, think that I'm complete crap, and makes me feel like I'm having a sharp-and-wheezy hard-to-breathey panic attack.

Nervous.
I could have told you that.