Ennui

Sometimes, I honestly wish I would get into a car accident or fall into a coma or have something happen to me. Then, in the hospital, I would find out how many people would actually care. Is that horrible of me? My life is so monotonous. Every day, the same routine. I see the same people, do the same things. On days off, I'm stuck doing nothing. My computer is my only link to the outside world. College can't come fast enough. I feel so suffocated and suppressed.

I feel all tense inside, like I waiting for an explosion. I think injury would be that explosion. Something drastic that would make my life more interesting, so that I wouldn't be crying for no reason. I feel like I'm never going to be able to do what I want to do. I'm going to be trapped inside this cage for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to express myself, or really experience anything. The thought just makes me want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone, please help. Everyday I get more irritable and more depressed. I don't want to contemplate suicide or injury. I don't want to hurt the people around me, but I feel like I'm being left behind in their dust. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I can't really do anything special. Everyone else has their dreams and talents. I feel like I'm being cheated. I want to see the sun rise over the ocean, instead of set. I want to eat Japanese food in Japan, and walk inside the Coloseum, and visit the country of my origins. I want to learn how to paint, and master photography, and learn Russian and Japanese and German and Italian. I want to visit Poland, a country with one of the saddest histories in the whole world. I want to see a live ballet performance, and take my mother to a Chinese opera. I want to prove to everyone who ever looked down on me that I can acheive great things and have happiness without their approval.

God, I just want to live. I want to stop struggling with my faith and just be happy for once in my life. I want to see my sister and niece again. I want my father to come back from the dead and hug me and tell me he's proud of me.

So would my death or injury cure me of my ennui? I think so. And that's a scary thought. Someone, please help me. Help me before I do something drastic.