terminal hypocrisy

i went shopping today, and in front of me in the traffic queue was a Toyota Prius. the back of the car was plastered with bumper stickers promoting "Coexist", "Go Green," et cetera.
and my first thought? it wasn't, "good for you. support your causes!"
it wasn't, "way to drive eco-friendly."
it wasn't, "i respect your convictions."

it was, "you're a pretentious and overpaid snob."

i am a prime hypocrite, and it sucks.
i can't expect respect without first giving it.

to whomever you are, dude in the Prius--i'm sorry. i made a snap judgment, and a negative one at that. please forgive my small-mindedness. it's people like me who make people like you feel so much like crap. i'm sorry.

today is a day to practice BEFORE preaching.

a matter of pride

today was a good day.

i spent the entire day inside (which i don't like)
i spent all day sitting at a desk, working on one task that i completed five minutes before it needed to be finished (not fun)
i accomplished next to nothing all day (that's what comes from spending seven straight hours on one thing)
i had ugly hair, a disaster of an outfit, and was flustered when i arrived on campus tonight.
all of these things tend to send me into an anger spiral. i become irritable, unpleasant, and snarky...usually. yet at the moment i am not. why?

i had a conversation, albeit a short one, but an actual conversation with someone i don't know. they're in two of my classes. they were in my classes last semester. but i've never said a single word to this person. and yet there he was: standing in front of the building my class is in. we had a short conversation. those who know me will understand why this is such a big deal. i don't warm up to people easily. becoming friends with someone means trusting them, and i can't do that easily. talking to new people turns me into a nervous wreck. i tend to just shuffle about campus, i sit in class and rarely contribute to discussions. i keep to myself.

so it's fair to say that i'm feeling a bit proud of myself for stepping out of my hermit-crab shell.

today was a good day.

And now, a softer slightly brighter side.

This time of year seems to be bringing quite a few people down.
In light of that I feel like a happy, yet honest post is needed.

So, here I (anonymous, though I'm sure some know) will encourage..not for the sake of encouraging...but because I feel like there is so much out there to bring us down, without permission.

Right now, I hope that you're taking chances in life-- without regret.
Regret is a wretched emotion to deal with, and life really is far too short to even deal with it!
Reader, you are an amazing being...and not in the "I'm attempting to make you feel good sense"--you are. You're able to make decisions, see situations, have compassion, think abstractly...to the point of being dirty (JAM'ON!), love, not love, laugh, and use your thumbs.
I know. Monkey's can do that...but they also are REALLY hairy, and that's not kosher.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself and turning this into something completely unintelligible.

Point is, you're pretty cool--mainly because you're still reading this--and frankly, I would have grown tired after the Jamaican "JAM'ON" was uttered.

I do know something that made me feel vastly better, so I'll share it with you...You good lookin' piece of intelligence!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

nice people finishing.

I am always thought of as a nice person.

Really though, I secretly enjoy watching people get what's coming to them. I think that people who live in isolation deserve terrible lives, and those of us that don't should have temporary set backs.
So we may remember what a good life consists of: being open and accepting towards all people despite race,religion,orientation,etc.

Those isolated people deserve nothing more than a bland life filled with frustration.

Another honesty: I wrote this with a determined few people in mind.

If you're waiting to break out, here's your sign. Cut ties, and live free.

not again

i am capable of developing long-distance crushes.

this is bad, for the last time this happened, it ended painfully.

i tell myself to shut off the daydreams, but it never works.

the insomnia doesn't help, either.

Forbidden Love

I unintentionally get my hopes up every day. Every time we talk, every time he looks at me, I’m constantly hoping that when he sees her things will be different. That he will look at her and think of me and that she won’t fit in with his family and things won’t work out. But deep down I know that will never happen, he can never be mine. I subject myself to him and to his sweetness and touch, I do it on purpose, I can’t complain about it anymore. I could change my situation so easily. I just can’t stop hoping. I miss him when he’s away and I miss him when I’m near him because I can’t have all of him, I can’t show him how much he means to me. There’s so much more to me that he doesn’t even know…that I didn’t even know I had before I met him. Just the other night, my friend asked me what I like him better than, after I thought for a second, I said sleep. I like him more than I like to sleep. I would rather be in his arms than sleep any night of the week. That sounds corny, but it’s so true. He makes my soul happy and comfortable. But he's taken. I should talk myself out of loving him.

Cigarettes are little gateways to happiness.

I am a smoker. furthermore, I love smoking. I am aware of the 4,000 pluc chemicals i am putting into my body. I am aware of the significantly shorter lifespan I will most likely have. I am aware that it makes me look totally awesome. I am aware that it is not popular opinion.

One. I dont want to live past 75. anyone who has encountered and had to interact with someone over this age knows it is a hollow and empty lifestyle. you can cram a religion into there, most do, but its still very incomplete. i would rather die young than shit in my pants, have my grandchildren never call me, or find TV my only escape. people live too long anyway. a quater of a century is enough!!! if you cannot acomplish something in that time you have failed, no need to keep going.

two. cigarettes make you look cool, deal with it.

three. its my body and my decision. I have made the choice not to be corrupted by popluar opinion, telovision, or celebrety. which is worse; smoking a cigarette or knowing who is the latest star on television? if you answer the former you're an idiot. I dont care what is happening to house this season or who is fucking Brad Pitt and the moment and if i happen to smoke while being oblivious to useless information who cares?

finally, cigarettes rock! if they didnt, why do all of the best authors of our time smoke scrumptious

starvation?

Every time I look in the mirror, I think, "No one will ever want you because you're fat." Some days I substitute other words like, "weird," "ugly," "boring," "stupid," etc. However, those new adjectives are usually followed by "fat" anyway. 

I've been told I am "pretty," "hot," "gorgeous," "beautiful," what have you, but I've yet to believe it. Usually these people are people who love me and are therefore biased. Most of them are female. I've also been told by friends that so-and-so thinks I'm hot or is interested in me. This leads me to wonder, if that is the case, why the hell don't they tell me so themselves?

I feel like such a stereotypical girl for thinking about this. 

No Smoking

I know it's a filthy habit, and cancer runs in my family. ANY CANCER. But I'm beginning to enjoy the temporary high those papered leaves give off.
Plus, you DO look cool. Damned advertisements and cinema have taken their toll on me.

I am intelligent, and try to be healthy, but nicotine may become my friend soon.

Resentful? Not really.

I get a secret thrill when I see a recent picture of my ex-boyfriend and I notice he's starting to look like an old man. 

He recently sent me greetings through a mutual friend and I bluntly asked,  "Why?" Things did not end well between us. I don't believe he has the right to say hello to me. Does that make me bitter? No.

I heard through the same friend that he wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. Again, I asked "Why?" Why does he even care? 

 I can honestly say I don't spend even a single minute of my day-to-day living thinking of him and yet when I hear in passing that he says "hi," suddenly it's all I can think about. 

I saw a recent picture of him. I notice he's gained some weight and his hairline is starting to recede. I feel vindicated because he looks past 30 and I do not.  

Well. I could have told you that.

One of my friends called me this morning. We hadn't talked for a while, so it was good to talk with my friend and do some catching up.
But as I talked with my friend, I realized how much of an inferiority complex I feel within myself whenever I talk to this friend. Like, in a huge way.
My friend mentioned at one point, "You sound nervous."
Well, yeah. Talking to you makes me hate myself, think that I'm complete crap, and makes me feel like I'm having a sharp-and-wheezy hard-to-breathey panic attack.

Nervous.
I could have told you that.