NUMBER THR3E

I have made mistakes that I wish I could take off of my record, remove them from my history.
Everyone says to "forget regret" but I can't. Not with these.
I'm sure they're seemingly insignificant when compared to many others, but they matter to me.
And I hate them.

I belong to a group of people who tout forgiveness as the ultimate means to the end. But many of those same people refuse to forgive.
Pardon my childish expression, but "what the crap?!"
I'm one of the worst hypocrites ever. But....so are they!

I am grateful for the exceptions to this matter. Those who have forgiven me are kind and gracious and everything I am not. I appreciate that, unbelievably so.
However, I still live with the fear that they'll recount these mistakes and hurts later, and that I'll have no legitimate reason to even think I have the right to be living. For real, that's how I feel about it sometimes. That I'd be better off dead if I'm not going to do things the right way, the kind way, the nice way, the first time.

People have to believe that I'm capable of learning from my mistakes and doing the right thing. Right?
I'm forgiven and therefore I have another chance. Right?
"I'll forgive but I won't forget." That's unfair and childish and resentful. Don't do that to me. I don't do that to you.

Speaking of "better off dead," I'd also like to divulge this fact about me. I am realizing that I am one of the most cheerfully suicidal people I know. I promise that no one has to worry about me. I'm not going to try to kill myself. But I use suicidal images/references when I speak about myself. They shock most people. I usually pass them off with the thought of, "Oh, don't worry. I'm just trying to put life into an existential perspective."
What do I mean by this? Allow my explanation: I'll be in a conversation with others about "future plans," whatever those mean. Adulthood. Career ambition (or lack thereof). Family matters. Whatever. And everyone has his or her say in what he or she plans to do, what he or she thinks of things, et cetera. I share my part in this, too. But I usually follow with, "Then again, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and this will all be a moot point."
People sometimes laugh and sometimes get freaked out. They default to freaked out more often when I phrase it in a different way; we'll be talking about our plans and I'll say, "Sometimes I wish I could just get hit by a car and then it would be over, but that's taking the easy way out."
Really, I don't want to take the easy way out by dying.
But sometimes I feel like dying would just be better.
The problem is that I can't die before "settling" things. Paying off all outstanding debts. Writing down some kind of will or statement that says to whom things go and to whom certain messages should be given. And when I realize this, I think, "Hell, it's just easier to stay alive, because then I'll have more time to settle things."

Some of my friends have been dangerously, depressingly suicidal. I don't want to kill myself and then have those people kill themselves. So I'm glad that those things keep me alive, in some cases. But some days, I just think, "C'mon guys. Get over yourselves so I can die already."
And then I realize how selfish my own suicide would be, and I realize that it's a useless effort because it makes me look like the most ego-centric self-serving moron ever.

So I'm still living. Still inconveniencing people.
But less than I would inconvenience them by committing suicide.

I hope to slowly fade when it's time for me to die...To settle things and then just gracefully appear less and less until people have only a memory of me, anyway. I want them to be acquainted enough with my physical death (albeit premature) that they don't miss me and that my death doesn't come as a shock.

In a somewhat related vein, I feel like I deserve to get cancer or another huge or terminal illness. Many of the people closest to me have suffered greatly or still suffer with dangerous and painful illness, and I am relatively healthy. I feel like I have Stage 4 lymphoma coming to me...like it's something that will help balance the world, and show that I'm not beyond understanding what it's like to suffer. That, and I'd like to give my enemies/opposers some justification before I die--they can relish in my suffering. Again, balance of the universe, or something.