I've lost count

I grew up in a very abnormal household. One parent who smoked weed, gladly sharing the second hand smoke with her eldest daughter.
In the background, Simon & Garfunkel and John Denver paraded the airwaves.
In fact, I am reminiscing about it now. Listening to Simon & Garfunkel, remembering the days I almost forgot.
I forgot about Simon & Garfunkel for quite a while. They were my mothers music, not mine. It's funny, because these 'oldies' are my favorites now.
I suppose that I am confessing that I loved my childhood more than I lead on.
There was a lot of trouble and pain, a lot of it. I spent most of my time complaining of it. Today, though, I find it unique.
It has formed me into a free-spirited yet severly organized woman.
Although my mother was merely a woman living in my house.
I wouldn't trade the memories I have with her for any other mother.
She was barely home, but when she was. We would sing Janis Joplin songs from the top of our lungs. I would watch her as she puffed on her drug of choice. She would sometimes come my long hair. And sometimes she would even take me to animal shelters, the places where she worked.
Despite the complaining and tears I've thrown on every one.
I take it back today. I take it all back.
My childhood is full of unforgettable happiness, in the songs of John Denver, Simon & Garfunkel, The Police, etc.
And I love it.

lucky one

Funny how accustomed you become to individuals around you.

This time of year makes you look around at who you are, and who you surround yourself with. You're forced to be introspective and feel guilt or pride in what you're doing...or the motivations guiding you.

My motivations are not always pure, and I think of my own benefit way more than I even consider others. I also find myself quickly irritated by those around me, mainly because I expect their perceptions to change in the direction mine has.

And yet I dont feel much guilt over it-- aside from the guilt I'm made to feel.

I like Christmastime-- but it doesn't seem like there is much spirit in the air...is this just due to my getting older, or realisticly seeing things?

I still wish Santa were real and magic did occur..

# 6

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Cinco

Whenever I meet someone and we seem to have a lot in common (particularly in the opposite sex) I always believe they've done research. Researching me.
Fooling me into believing they actually want to know me-- then sometime later at some undisclosed venue a lot of people I don't know will be waiting for me. Waiting to laugh, and shout SUPRISE! and I was the one caught unawares.. the epitome of the damn deer in headlights.

As if two people cannot simply have common outlooks, aspirations, or interests..? I'm always second guessing motivations.

But today I'm doing better..

I admit, my guard is still up, is it truly a bad thing though?

NuMbEr FoUr

I have a very vivid imagination.
I catch myself walking down the street or working or sitting at home thinking of what I would do if a man tried to rape & kill me.
I imagine the fear I would experience and how I would react.
I try to think of everyday objects around my workplace, home or in my purse that I could use for a weapon.
I even wrestle with certain people pretending to be in that situation so I can 'practice' just in case it ever happens.
I'm not sure where this paranoid person came from. I mean, I don't lock myself up, or avoid walking in the dark or anything. I don't even get scared.
I just imagine what I would do.

NUMBER THR3E

I have made mistakes that I wish I could take off of my record, remove them from my history.
Everyone says to "forget regret" but I can't. Not with these.
I'm sure they're seemingly insignificant when compared to many others, but they matter to me.
And I hate them.

I belong to a group of people who tout forgiveness as the ultimate means to the end. But many of those same people refuse to forgive.
Pardon my childish expression, but "what the crap?!"
I'm one of the worst hypocrites ever. But....so are they!

I am grateful for the exceptions to this matter. Those who have forgiven me are kind and gracious and everything I am not. I appreciate that, unbelievably so.
However, I still live with the fear that they'll recount these mistakes and hurts later, and that I'll have no legitimate reason to even think I have the right to be living. For real, that's how I feel about it sometimes. That I'd be better off dead if I'm not going to do things the right way, the kind way, the nice way, the first time.

People have to believe that I'm capable of learning from my mistakes and doing the right thing. Right?
I'm forgiven and therefore I have another chance. Right?
"I'll forgive but I won't forget." That's unfair and childish and resentful. Don't do that to me. I don't do that to you.

Speaking of "better off dead," I'd also like to divulge this fact about me. I am realizing that I am one of the most cheerfully suicidal people I know. I promise that no one has to worry about me. I'm not going to try to kill myself. But I use suicidal images/references when I speak about myself. They shock most people. I usually pass them off with the thought of, "Oh, don't worry. I'm just trying to put life into an existential perspective."
What do I mean by this? Allow my explanation: I'll be in a conversation with others about "future plans," whatever those mean. Adulthood. Career ambition (or lack thereof). Family matters. Whatever. And everyone has his or her say in what he or she plans to do, what he or she thinks of things, et cetera. I share my part in this, too. But I usually follow with, "Then again, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and this will all be a moot point."
People sometimes laugh and sometimes get freaked out. They default to freaked out more often when I phrase it in a different way; we'll be talking about our plans and I'll say, "Sometimes I wish I could just get hit by a car and then it would be over, but that's taking the easy way out."
Really, I don't want to take the easy way out by dying.
But sometimes I feel like dying would just be better.
The problem is that I can't die before "settling" things. Paying off all outstanding debts. Writing down some kind of will or statement that says to whom things go and to whom certain messages should be given. And when I realize this, I think, "Hell, it's just easier to stay alive, because then I'll have more time to settle things."

Some of my friends have been dangerously, depressingly suicidal. I don't want to kill myself and then have those people kill themselves. So I'm glad that those things keep me alive, in some cases. But some days, I just think, "C'mon guys. Get over yourselves so I can die already."
And then I realize how selfish my own suicide would be, and I realize that it's a useless effort because it makes me look like the most ego-centric self-serving moron ever.

So I'm still living. Still inconveniencing people.
But less than I would inconvenience them by committing suicide.

I hope to slowly fade when it's time for me to die...To settle things and then just gracefully appear less and less until people have only a memory of me, anyway. I want them to be acquainted enough with my physical death (albeit premature) that they don't miss me and that my death doesn't come as a shock.

In a somewhat related vein, I feel like I deserve to get cancer or another huge or terminal illness. Many of the people closest to me have suffered greatly or still suffer with dangerous and painful illness, and I am relatively healthy. I feel like I have Stage 4 lymphoma coming to me...like it's something that will help balance the world, and show that I'm not beyond understanding what it's like to suffer. That, and I'd like to give my enemies/opposers some justification before I die--they can relish in my suffering. Again, balance of the universe, or something.

number two

when i'm walking down the street or sidewalk, sitting in a coffee shop, et cetera. i often imagine that there is someone secretly watching me. trying to summon the courage to talk to me because they think i'm beautiful. i imagine a brief future for us and wish that life were like the movies where something like that could easily happen.

i end up catching myself toward the end of my daydream and curse myself for being narcissistic.

  

Number One

I'm even thinking about how I phrase things, hoping people won't read into my words. But thats the point of all this, right? I am going out tonight.
I always decide to not drink all that much, though tonight I am changing things. I will drink, not because I want to get drunk (if it were, who the hell cares?!), but because I want to completely let go. Let go, and not care..and see where that leads.
We'll see. And I'll share it with you.