Oops. Sorry.

Last night, I did something that I spent all weekend trying not to do.
I was with friends, having a great time, and feeling confident in myself. Just as I was leaving the place, I made a small social error. I should have played it cool, should have let it roll and been done with it. Instead, I backpedaled and scrabbled and in essence, spoiled all of my good work in being confident and self-assured. Then I clawed more frantically after my drive home, rushing into the house and composing this huge e-mail of apology to the person who received the brunt of my gaffe. Graciously, that person replied about 10 minutes ago and said all of the things that I knew I should have done. Basically, I know better than that. Why did I resort to my old ways of groveling with apologies? Why couldn't I be cool about it? I guess I've practiced the hsbit for so long that it becomes instinct or reflex.
That person is unbelievably kind to be so thoughtful and helpful. I don't want to obsess--in fact, that's one of the things the person told me, "Don't obsess over this."--but I'm so mad that I messed up and revealed the part of me that I finally thought I could get over. I hate that I'm that person, and what's more, I hate that I look like I can't be a good friend because I'm obsessively apologizing. I'm balls-crazy, and now they all know it.
But. Here's my plan: Do what my friend said--be cool. Act with grace. Don't worry about it. Just have confidence and self-esteem and move on.
I think I can do that. I wish I hadn't screwed up, but I can't change that now.
I'm crazy, but I'm getting better.

I'm still sorry.

Josh Groban Says it All

You ARE loved.
I have had so many friends who are currently discovering new parts of themselves, some of these parts--though them-- are not widely accepted. They are ostracized for who they choose to love, and sometimes cast off by those that raised them.
My heart absolutely breaks for your pain and uncertainty. I wish I could sit down with a cup of Earl Grey, and love you.
I do love you, for who you are..and would not change you in any way. I love the way you experience and see life, because it is different from my own, and helps me get a better perspective of the world at large. You challenge me to love those that see you as a stereotype, and hope that they will one day see you for the beauty you emit.
Trust that only those that accept you for the awesome individual you are, are worth your time and love..


..and know, I'll always be here with a hug, and some choice tea.

-Me

All Hail!

Sometimes I feel like all I am is my job. I breathe, sweat, eat, and personify my job. Is this the American Dream coming to furition?
It is my worship of the Almighty Dollar, that keeps me cooped up in a building for hours on end only seeing precious hours of sun.
Perhaps the most difficult reality is that this is all my own doing, and choice. I CHOOSE to work. I know there are many that are facing this economic climate without income and they would do anything to have a precious few hours of monetary gain. This is where I become frustrated.
To be, we must earn.

To be, I must earn. And I hate that.
...but I am more then my job, right?

Time to be honest with you

The most amazing girl I have ever known left two years ago and moved to Denver. I miss her so much! I never had the courage to tell her how I felt but I think she knew. I miss everything about her. her hair, her laugh, our conversations. I am currently in a relationship with a girl and its really good but I alway catch myself thinking about what could have been if I had just had the balls to tell her I loved her...

I LOVE YOU

Reflection

New Year, and reflection.

I read through every entry, and saw that each emotion..concern..and thought have run through my head.


But I'm not the author of much of this blog.
Thank you for sharing with me, and in a sense walking through each emotion with me.

(Last year seemed so lonely)

Drafts

When I was posting, I saw some drafts.

Now these drafts have been posted.

Happy Christmas.

I get it, I really get it. The point of me being here, that is.
Connections. No matter how you look at it, thats all life is about. All religions/cultures/people point in this direction: Finding and making connections.
When I think of these connections, I believe they are more than bringing all your imperfections forward.
Because who really wants to deal with your every issue? I know I don't.
It's about being you in the moment, and embracing the other person you're communicating with. ACTUALLY talking, and listening.

Connecting on whatever level you can. Not placing unrealistic expectations or anything in return, just being there

Finally, I get it.

This year is my first Christmas without blood relatives, and I'm excited to share it with friends...people that I share these moments with and love, because family really is what you make.